Superleague Bank of Ireland Cup Final Preview: ABCDE FC

ABCDE FC's Dylan Patten looks forward to playing in the UCD Bowl.ABCDE_FC_preview


The Bank of Ireland Cup Final takes place in the UCD Bowl on Wednesday 25th April at 6.30pm.


Dylan Patten, manager, general, organiser and poor footballer, is looking forward to ABCDE FC's day in the sun. To them the Bank of Ireland Cup is immaterial, well it’s not material to any of us but to ABCDE FC it is extra immaterial.


ABCDE FC played the Sex Offenders in the final of the same competition in the UCD Bowl way back in 2010, it was playing in the imposing surrounds of UCD's greatest stadium that has fired them on to get back this year. "The UCD Bowl is where we deserve to play, it is where we want to play and we are delighted to be back".


If you are wondering how they have ended up in the final with such questionable league form, it's simple, not as simple as ABC but simple none the less. ABCDE FC have put their strongest side out in the Bank of Ireland Cup. Flying in the face of the respected norms of club football around the world, fighting the one team battle to restore some semblance of respectability to cup football. Will ABCDE FC's decision to respect the Cup have an impact across the globe? Probably not, but it has served them well, that is all this band of merry alphabetographers (none of the team are actual alphebetographers) care about.


Singling out players is always difficult but Dylan was happy to oblige with two of his best. In the heart of the ABCDE FC midfield is Dermot Kirby. The computer science graduate, "does everything in the middle" and consistently walks away with the man of the match award. He pulls the strings in the engine room, fans the flames of desire burning deep within the ABCDE FC machine and, when he is not fulfilling cliches, is very effective.


The second is a certain goalscoring midfielder with an eye for a goal and a never say die attitude. Constantly encouraging his team forward, it was his attitude that helped ABCDE FC come back from the dead in the semi final. When it looked like things had gone limp in the semi, this player spurred them on to new heights and scored two goals to help even scores at 3-3 before dispatching a penalty to see his troops safely through. His name, do you know, I can’t quite remember it. He sounds decent though!


The ABCDE FC squad is full of sweetness and light, their club crest should really be full of puppy dogs and blue birds frolicking on a green hill. Dylan was asked to single out one of his players for criticism and he thought long and hard, no one sprang to mind. Not one of the squad had let "the Letters" down. What a joyous thing training must be. Oh there is one, Barry Griffin, the sometime striker, is a shadow of his former self, “A waste of talent, used to be effective when he was fit, now he is just a lazy fat mess”, Dylan exclaims. Sounds like mind games to me.


The ABCDE FC squad has been around since the season of 2006/07. Following a session holed up in a lecture theatre with only their minds at their disposal to find a good name, they did what all of us have done in times of stress, they googled it and so they had their name. It’s not original, it’s mildly clever and it is difficult to use in a moment of on field encouragement.


This band of Actuary students have been playing together ever since. Memories of the clash with Just Jeff (another Actuary team) lives long in the memory, as people came from all over campus to see ABCDE FC lose 3-0. Only a win in the cup final will erase the memory of this defeat.


With thoughts turning to the opposition for Wednesday’s game Dylan begins to engage in the kind of mind games that could only be described as erotic. “They are better than us, they are fitter than us, they are leaner and stronger than us” Dylan effuses, only one winner here then. You would think, but Patten and ABCDE FC have a secret weapon, luck! “We are so lucky, for that reason I am quite confident we will win”.


This swashbuckling team will look to get the ball into the opponents half as quickly as possible and hope that H Bam make a mistake. What happens if H Bam don’t make a mistake is not quite clear but as game plans go it is a lot more thought out than that of plenty of Superleague teams.